


How to Teach a Robot to Swear

by snekwami



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Gen, Rare Pair March, Swearing, it's only rated T because of swearing, so much swearing, this is platonic... probably
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-07
Updated: 2018-03-07
Packaged: 2019-03-28 10:00:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13901655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snekwami/pseuds/snekwami
Summary: Max never programmed Markov to know how to swear, so Alix decides to teach him.





	How to Teach a Robot to Swear

**Author's Note:**

> Day 7 of Rare Pair March: Teamwork
> 
> Two dorks, one human and one robot, team up to give Max a heart attack and oops I maybe lowkey ship it
> 
> [Here on tumblr too!](http://queenkubdel.tumblr.com/post/171639854879/how-to-teach-a-robot-to-swear)

“Hey Markov.” Alix sat down beside the little robot, who was hovering a little way above the library table, reading an open book just below him. “What are you doing?”

“I am reading this book about quantum mechanics,” Markov replied, his dot eyes transforming into upturned arcs, giving him the impression of smiling. “I want to become just as intelligent as Max!”

“That’s awesome. He’s taught you so much, hasn’t he?”

“He really has! It is very inspirational.”

“Yeah, well, has he ever taught you about…” Alix allowed herself a little smirk. “…updog?”

Markov was silent for a few seconds. He turned towards Alix and blinked at her a few times before replying.

“Max told me to ignore you if you ever ask me that. Sorry.”

What?! Oh, that stupid nerd, having the forethought to ruin her fun like that! He really knew her way too well.

“Max can be such a buzzkill sometimes,” she complained. “Has he ever actually taught you anything fun? Do you know any jokes?”

“Of course I do! For example: what is a robot’s favourite kind of music?”

“What?”

“Heavy metal!” Markov giggled at his own lame joke. “Isn’t that funny? Do you understand it? Metal, because robots are commonly made of–”

“Yeah, I get it. Out of interest, what actually is your favourite kind of music?”

Markov paused to think for a few moments. “I like Vocaloid.”

“Why am I not surprised?” She chuckled and shook her head. Trust a robot to like stuff that wasn’t sung by humans. “Anyway, it’s so cool that you actually have a sense of humour. That’s more than I can say for some actual humans I know…”

Markov floated a little closer to her, ignoring his book entirely now. “You think I’m funnier than some humans?”

“Yeah, of course!” She gave him a little poke in the side. “You’re one of the coolest friends I’ve got. Honestly I don’t give a fuck about most humans I know, not when there are rad robots like you around.”

His dotted eyes grew in size. “Alix… did you just use a forbidden word?”

“Um, what? Rad’s not forbidden. It’s a good word.”

“Not that one. Max programmed me with a list of words that I am unable to search up the meaning for, for some reason. You just used one of them.”

Really? What had she said that was…

Oh.

_Oh._

She burst into laughter.

“Did I say something funny again?” Markov asked, looking around. “Please lower your voice volume, this is a library and we will be removed from the premises! Why are you laughing?”

“Oh, you precious robot!” She gave him another poke. “You were talking about swear words, weren’t you?”

“Yes, those words. I am unable to research them. Perhaps they will corrupt my data somehow?”

“Yeah, they’ll ‘corrupt your data’, alright! Listen…” She lowered her voice to a whisper. “Want me to teach you all about swearing?”

A pixelated sweat drop rolled down the side of Markov’s visor. “But… if Max deliberately removed my access to this, then there must be a reason…”

“Yeah, it’s because he’s a buzzkill, and you are missing out on the greatest part of language ever by keeping that metaphorical mouth of yours squeaky clean. Swearing is fucking awesome.”

“Are you sure?” He didn’t sound convinced.

“Yes. The only reason swear words are generally forbidden is because they portray so much more emotion than normal, coward, muggle words, and everyone’s too much of a wimp to go for it. But you wanna be more human and expressive, right?”

Markov nodded. “I suppose that’s true.”

“Exactly! So swearing is perfect for you. You’ll love it, it’s so much fun. These words have so much power that people are legit scared of me for using them so much. And they’re really good stress-relievers, so you’re less likely to get akumatized again too.”

“Well, that does sound tempting…”

“So, you want me to teach you?”

Markov thought for a few more seconds, then nodded and held out that little arm of his for a fist bump. “Yes, I would like to. Alix, please teach me how to swear.”

Alix happily returned the fist bump, not bothering to hide the huge grin on her face. Wait until poor Max got a load of this!

“Alright, let’s begin,” she said, trying to keep her voice at a sensible level. She doubted that a teacher overhearing a rebel teen and a robot swearing away in a library would find the funny side of it. “Markov, please repeat after me: Lê Chiến Kim is a little shit.”

“Lê Chiến Kim is a little [bleep].”

Wait, what? Alix’s heart started sinking – surely Max hadn’t put in countermeasures, had he? Was he really that bothered about censoring his robot friend’s language? That was just dystopian!

Markov laughed a little. “Just kidding! I did that to mess with you. I have no inherent programmed inability to say any words.”

“Oh, thank fuck. Now say the sentence.”

“Does it have to be Kim, though?”

“Yeah, ‘cause it’s true.”

“Alright.” Markov’s dotted eyes indented at the top, as if he was frowning in concentration. “Lê Chiến Kim is a little… sh… shhhhh…”

“It’s okay, take your time.”

“…a little… oh, are you sure this is a good idea?”

Alix shrugged. “Nothing I ever do is a good idea. But seriously Markov, they’re just _words_. All language is made up. Nothing is real. Do whatever the hell you want. And if you wanna swear, then don’t let anyone stop you.”

“You’re right!” His voice was much stronger now. “Language is indeed constructed. There is nothing inherently good or bad about certain words. As long as I am respectful, swearing will not hurt anyone.”

“Yeah, that’s the spirit!”

“Alright, I am going to do it!”

“Go for it! You got this!”

Markov’s voice synth made a sound as if he were taking a deep breath. “Shhhhhhhhhhh…it. There! I did it! I said a swear word!”

“I knew you could do it, I’m so proud of you!” She high fived him.

“Phew, that was oddly exciting to say. I’m looking forward to learning many other swear words too, now. And then…” He chuckled a little. “We can surprise Max with my newfound knowledge.”

“Yeah, we are so doing that. He won’t know what hit him.”

“It will be funny! Funny as… as fffffffff… fuck. There! I said another one!”

“Damn, dude, you are on a roll!”

“This is so exciting!” He whizzed right over to Alix’s cheek and nuzzled against it. “Thank you for teaching me. You are an amazing friend.”

Was this the robot equivalent of a hug? Well, it was awesome. She gave the side of his face an affectionate little stroke with her finger. “Hey, no problem. We’ll always be best friends, right?”

“Of course we will. We make a great team.”

“That is true. So, teammate, how are we going to go about this? If we’re gonna give Max a heart attack, we need a plan. Like, do we sneak up on him and yell ‘SURPRISE, MOTHERFUCKER’? Or would he be more shook if you casually dropped an f-bomb into an ordinary conversation?”

“PERHAPS,” said a sudden unexpected voice behind them, “you should be more perceptive of your surroundings, so that your secret plan won’t be ruined.”

Alix and Markov jumped apart and turned around to see Max standing there, his arms folded, an annoyingly smug smile on his face.

“I had a feeling you two would be conspiring about something. Looks like I was right.”

“Why did you restrict my access to swear words?” Markov asked, flying over to Max. “It is such a fascinating subject! Why wouldn’t you let me discover swearing for myself?”

“Because I thought it would be more interesting to let Alix teach you, as I knew she inevitably would. I was wondering how long it would take – you can be assured that this is no surprise to me. And I also was wondering…” Max’s grin widened. “…did she teach you about bofa?”

Markov shook his head, question marks taking the place of his eyes. “No, what’s bofa?”

“Goddammit Max!” Alix snapped, sticking her middle fingers up at him. “I was gonna say that to him, did you have to fucking _beat me to it?”_

Max adjusted his glasses, that unholy grin still on his face. “Yes, I did. You’ll have to try harder next time if you want to one-up me, though it’ll never happen.”

“Oh, it’s on. Markov, get over here, we have to team up again. Gotta find a way to annoy Max properly.”

Max just chuckled and walked off without another word as Markov flitted back over to Alix.

“Seriously Alix, what is ‘bofa’?”

“Uh, just ignore Max when he says that. It’s not swearing, you can look it up yourself.”

Markov was silent for a few seconds, probably doing some internet research. “Ah… I see… and I understand ‘updog’ now too…”

“Good. So, um, what now? We’re back to square one when it comes to trolling your insufferable buzzkill of a creator, aren’t we?”

He perched on her shoulder like some little animal sidekick – jeez, that was adorable. “Not entirely. I have an idea. There’s something, which… well, it’s sort of a secret, so I’m not sure if I should tell you, but…”

“I swear I won’t tell anyone, whatever it is.” She gently spun the little propeller on top of his head. “You can tell me anything, you know…”

“Alright.” Markov giggled a little. “The truth is, I read Max’s diary once. That was before I knew it was wrong to do such a thing, though! And he didn’t really mind. Anyway, I found out that he has a crush on someone. I cannot fully understand the feelings he describes, but I understand that _embarrassment_ is one of them. So perhaps we can set him up on a surprise date, which would not only cause him annoyance and embarrassment, but ultimately happiness too!”

“Markov, that’s an awesome idea! So, who is this person Max likes?”

He hopped up and, at very low volume, whispered it into her ear.

“What THE FUCK?!”

“Keep your voice down!” Markov said quickly, though interspersed with more giggling.

“I know, I know, just…” Alix grinned. “I didn’t see that coming.”

“You weren’t expecting it to be the ‘little shit’? Then who were you thinking?” Markov’s eyes were back to being those upturned arcs again. “Though Max tends to keep his serious emotions hidden, so it really must be surprising as fuck… Uh, why are you staring at me like that?”

Alix quickly looked away, running a hand through her hair. “I can’t get used to you swearing, dude. It sounds weird coming from you. And that’s my fault!”

“You’ll get used to it in time, I’m sure!” He tapped her on the nose with his little mechanical finger. “And I will get better at using swear words in the appropriate situations.”

“There are no appropriate situations to swear, Markov.”

“Then I will be like you, and swear when I am not supposed to. We can be rebels together.”

Okay, that was really sweet. She took that robot hand of his and held onto it, very much hoping no one nearby was watching. “So, uh, what should our team name be?”

Markov thought for a few seconds before answering. “How about Team Matterbaby?”

“What’s a matterbaby?”

It was only after she asked that she realized what she had done. She slammed a hand over her mouth, but it was too late. Markov floated up in front of her face and stared at her with those sneaky, soulless blank eyes that somehow conveyed more emotion than robots should be able to.

“Why, nothing’s the matter, Alix! But thank you for asking!”

And then he burst into laughter. She took a swipe at him, which he deftly avoided.

“You – you little son of a bitch, you–”

“Oh, that’s a new one! Thank you for that!”

She couldn’t help starting to laugh too. This little robot really did have more emotion than half the people she knew. And he was way sassier, too! No wonder she liked him more than anyone else. Grabbing him out of the air, she planted a kiss on that metallic face of his.

“Fine then, Team Matterbaby it is, you fucking adorable piece of shit, you.”

Hearts flashed up in place of eyes on Markov’s face for a split-second. “Is it possible for swearing to be used as a term of endearment? I had previously concluded that it was mostly used for negative emotions.”

“Nope, just strong emotions.”

The hearts were back now, and bigger than before. “So does that mean you like me a lot?”

Alix was sure that if she was a robot, her eyes would be hearts too right now. “More than any human. Heart-eyes, motherfucker.”

Markov gently bopped her in the face, which she was pretty sure was meant to be a kiss or something. “Well I love you too… um… motherfucker…”

She laughed again – yeah, she was never going to get used to him swearing. “So, teammate, should we get planning on Operation: Annoy Max?”

Markov nodded, the hearts still there. “Yes, teammate. Let’s fucking do it.”


End file.
